Pride and Peace

Did you know that I have a special talent for making people cry? When friends and acquaintances find out that I have cancer, the tears begin to flow. I know better than to think that this is all for my sake. Just about everyone has witnessed the slow and undignified way that cancer kills and it hurts to remember. I feel that my disease is a reminder to them, and I am so sorry for that. I have already felt my dignity diminish a little, but I also know that pride is not something worth holding on to. Nobody can navigate their lives with complete control. By fighting this disease, I hand over my control to those who know best...and in the process I have lost a lot of pride. You know what? It feels good. I cannot control anything but my own choices, and right now I choose to leave my life in the hands of my doctors and ultimately, God. God is the ultimate scientist...a true healer.

I have heard this a lot lately..."Lauren, I am amazed at your strength."  I am not sure that I am worthy of that statement. Let me illustrate...during the summer months, I spend my days in the water teaching little ones the basics in swimming and life-saving skills. These tiny children often tell me that they are scared and that if I let go of them, they will drown and die. Still, they trust me and allow me to teach them. They are the bravest people I know. And this is WHY I don't consider myself brave...I don't have fear of this disease. I know what can happen. I know that it can spread to my blood, my brain, my lungs, etc...I know that I have a higher chance of recurrence than other forms of breast cancer. I have already lost a lot and will lose more...but I am not afraid. What I DO have is this: Peace.

I am relieved to have turned control over to God. He will help the Doctors perform what they have trained endlessly to do. He is in control of whether I live or die. All I can do is my best at living and turn the rest over to him. And just to be clear...I am doing my best at living. I know who I am, why I am here and where I am going. I know God's plan. I don't feel punished and I don't feel like this is unfair. Why shouldn't I have problems like others have? Why should I feel exempt? What I do know is that I am learning things I couldn't possibly learn without going through this. I'll be stronger for it and my family will be closer because of it. I have absolute peace in knowing this. And it feels good.
Here is a little video that shows how anyone can come to know this for themselves.


Waking up everyday and watching the news is difficult. Listening to what is in store for me for the next couple of years is difficult. It is a hard world that we live in, but as I said at the top of this page, if we take away pride (or in my case, I kind of lost it regardless of wanting to or not) it makes it a bit more tolerable. We are teachable...kinder...more thoughtful. We can be at peace. This is illustrated in the video below.

Now, a quick update about today...the staples were taken out and I'm left with some frankensteinish stitches. I enjoyed showing a few of them to Molly, who immediately collapsed onto the floor in all her 13 year old drama saying, "MOM! Yuck...stop it!" Haha, I kind of enjoyed that! The drain was taken out as well which was such a strange feeling. The first thing I did when I came home was to lay on my right side in comfort. Still, I felt bad this afternoon and let my mom take over. I am tired of being stitched together. I am tired of being lopsided. I am tired of feeling my stomach get queasy with the thought of getting my stitches out next week and the idea of a needle going into my port every single time I have treatment. All of that is bad and dreaded. I want a good night's sleep that I haven't had in over a week. See? I have all of the normal cancer anxieties, but what I'm grateful for is through all the minutia of cancer, I am ultimately left with Peace.

p.s. It looks like you'll need Adobe Flash Player on your device in order to watch the video...you may want to watch on your computer.