September 11th

This is my start date for chemotherapy. I get it every 3 weeks. 6 cycles of it with 3 treatments in each cycle, so that makes 18 weeks of chemo. My treatment ends in mid January, with reconstruction 1 month after that. So, if all goes well, I will be ready to teach swimming lessons by summer! That was a big concern of mine.
My first oncology visit was today. I didn't expect it to hit me as hard as it did. The doctor told me that my cancer cells were beasts. The rate of reproduction was crazy fast and aggresive. They got it all, but want to make sure of it...hence chemo. Also, I have a 30% chance of it coming back. If I do chemo, it goes down to a 15% chance. If it comes back, with the type of cancer I have, I will be out of options. I really, really don't want to do chemo, but what choice do I have?
I found it interesting that I knew all of this. However, having it presented to me in black and white, on official medical transcripts was final. And although I knew it, it felt like I was seeing it for the first time.
So what I need to ask of you is this...keep praying for me. Today, things are rough. I'll be alright, but sometimes facing reality knocks you off your game. Today I was faced with big buckets of cold hard reality.

Pride and Peace

Did you know that I have a special talent for making people cry? When friends and acquaintances find out that I have cancer, the tears begin to flow. I know better than to think that this is all for my sake. Just about everyone has witnessed the slow and undignified way that cancer kills and it hurts to remember. I feel that my disease is a reminder to them, and I am so sorry for that. I have already felt my dignity diminish a little, but I also know that pride is not something worth holding on to. Nobody can navigate their lives with complete control. By fighting this disease, I hand over my control to those who know best...and in the process I have lost a lot of pride. You know what? It feels good. I cannot control anything but my own choices, and right now I choose to leave my life in the hands of my doctors and ultimately, God. God is the ultimate scientist...a true healer.

I have heard this a lot lately..."Lauren, I am amazed at your strength."  I am not sure that I am worthy of that statement. Let me illustrate...during the summer months, I spend my days in the water teaching little ones the basics in swimming and life-saving skills. These tiny children often tell me that they are scared and that if I let go of them, they will drown and die. Still, they trust me and allow me to teach them. They are the bravest people I know. And this is WHY I don't consider myself brave...I don't have fear of this disease. I know what can happen. I know that it can spread to my blood, my brain, my lungs, etc...I know that I have a higher chance of recurrence than other forms of breast cancer. I have already lost a lot and will lose more...but I am not afraid. What I DO have is this: Peace.

I am relieved to have turned control over to God. He will help the Doctors perform what they have trained endlessly to do. He is in control of whether I live or die. All I can do is my best at living and turn the rest over to him. And just to be clear...I am doing my best at living. I know who I am, why I am here and where I am going. I know God's plan. I don't feel punished and I don't feel like this is unfair. Why shouldn't I have problems like others have? Why should I feel exempt? What I do know is that I am learning things I couldn't possibly learn without going through this. I'll be stronger for it and my family will be closer because of it. I have absolute peace in knowing this. And it feels good.
Here is a little video that shows how anyone can come to know this for themselves.


Waking up everyday and watching the news is difficult. Listening to what is in store for me for the next couple of years is difficult. It is a hard world that we live in, but as I said at the top of this page, if we take away pride (or in my case, I kind of lost it regardless of wanting to or not) it makes it a bit more tolerable. We are teachable...kinder...more thoughtful. We can be at peace. This is illustrated in the video below.

Now, a quick update about today...the staples were taken out and I'm left with some frankensteinish stitches. I enjoyed showing a few of them to Molly, who immediately collapsed onto the floor in all her 13 year old drama saying, "MOM! Yuck...stop it!" Haha, I kind of enjoyed that! The drain was taken out as well which was such a strange feeling. The first thing I did when I came home was to lay on my right side in comfort. Still, I felt bad this afternoon and let my mom take over. I am tired of being stitched together. I am tired of being lopsided. I am tired of feeling my stomach get queasy with the thought of getting my stitches out next week and the idea of a needle going into my port every single time I have treatment. All of that is bad and dreaded. I want a good night's sleep that I haven't had in over a week. See? I have all of the normal cancer anxieties, but what I'm grateful for is through all the minutia of cancer, I am ultimately left with Peace.

p.s. It looks like you'll need Adobe Flash Player on your device in order to watch the video...you may want to watch on your computer.

Good News, Right?

Yesterday was a BIG day. Aside from it being the first day of school, soccer practice, and seminary, it was my first in-office post-operation appointment. Otherwise known as....pathology reports are in!
As Adam, my mom and I waited in the examining room, my surgeon walked and after greeting us, proceeds to read us the BEST NEWS EVER as if he's reading the morning paper. Surgeons...this guy is awesome, but he really keeps all emotion out of his bedside manner. Here's the gist of it.

Essentially, the cancer hasn't spread. At ALL. Every node taken tested negative for cancer cells. Also, all margins from my tumor and margins from my satellite masses tested negative for cancer cells! (the margin is the extra tissue surrounding the tumor that is cut in order to make sure they got it all.)

Of the actual main tumor that is 3.6 cm, only 1.2 cm was discovered to be invasive cancer...otherwise known as:

• Invasive ductal carcinoma (IDC): Cancerous cells grow in the duct lining, break through the wall of the duct and invade local breast tissue. From there, the cancer may spread (metastasize) to other parts of the body.

All other cancer in the main tumor and surrounding areas was known as:

• Ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS): Cancerous cells are confined within the lining of the milk ducts, and haven't spread through the duct walls into surrounding breast tissue. If DCIS lesions are left untreated, over time cancer cells may break through the duct and spread to nearby tissue, becoming an invasive breast cancer.

This is exactly what we have been praying and hoping and relying on! This was everything!!! All of every good thing that you have been sending my way and up to Heavenly Father was granted to me and to us! I can't express my thanks enough. Nothing I can do will ever be enough to thank all of you who have helped me through this! I know it's not over, but this is huge to me. As the Dr. read the results all matter-of-factly, we looked at each other with that dropped jaw look...like "is he really saying this?" Yes. He said it and I know that inwardly he did somersaults for us. How could he not? I tell myself that Dr.'s have to emotionally remove themselves from these types of situations in order to cope. I don't know how they do this every day without just looking at everything from a technical standpoint. I don't even care...that man is getting some freshly baked cookies.

A few things you'll probably want to know...especially the ladies. He had to take all of everything from the right side right down to the chest wall. I literally have nothing but skin and as he changed the bandages, I finally saw what I have been avoiding. That was a reality check for sure and made me a little sad. But, I've looked at a lot of pictures and I have to say that his work is the best I've seen. Are you completely grossed out now? Also, I'm still swelling a little so the lovely little drain I am wearing gets to stay with me for a few more days. On Thursday the stitches come out and next week staples come out. But every day is a little less painful and I am pushing through the sore muscles and numbness to get mobility and feeling back. It's working.

On Monday I meet with my oncologist...it looks like I'll still be going through chemotherapy due to the nature of the cancer, but I'll know more after that appointment. I'll totally be on board with what she wants me to do. I just want the cancer annihilated!

Finally, can I just say that I have the BEST friends and family! All of you are the reason why this is going so well and God is hearing you and me. He knows you and loves you. And if you don't know that, just take my word for it until you do. His WILL will be done, and right now he wants me to live! 

A few things learned

It's Saturday morning at 6:15. I know that Adam has filled you in on all of the latest news, and fortunately, I have nothing more to add to that. Everything is going smoothly! However, I have family and friends that want to know "How are you REALLY doing?", so this is for them.

I am fine. Really, considering what I just put myself through, I'm coming through like a champ. I say this only because I am blessed to have my amazing mom here helping at every turn and I have a very concerned husband who is constantly concerned about my welfare. I have been able to rest.

I am learning a lot about myself. For instance...yesterday while changing a dressing, I almost passed out. When I say almost, I mean that I was seconds away from being flat out on the bathroom floor. I learned that I will never go into the medical field...not like I wanted to, but this confirms it.

I learned that I can cry. I know that there have been many who wonder if I'm in denial about this whole thing. For instance: I don't cry when talking about it. I am too positive. I accepted this too readily. Well, maybe all of those things are true, but I know that I have been comforted by the Holy Spirit and also, I have complete faith that I'll be OK. I know it. Now, for all of you who wonder if I fall apart when I'm home by myself in a quiet place...the answer is no. I am really OK. But to satisfy all of you, you should know that when I came out of anesthesia, I completely lost it. Adam called it being "emotional" for my sake, but I'll admit that I scared the nurses and they had to bring Adam back to calm me down. I didn't know I could cry like that...but I didn't stop until they pumped me full of something that took the pain away. I felt so sad and I hurt pretty badly. I wasn't angry or anything...I just remember feeling so sad. So maybe I am the type of person who can't fall apart and cry unless my defenses are stripped away. Today, I would be completely unable to cry like that. I don't know how to.

 I am loved. I have learned through this how far reaching love can go. It has no borders or bindings. I have been told of people across the world who are praying for me. My mother's ward council prayed for me. My friend is having a special Mass for me. There are bible groups praying for me. There are huge groups of people who have fasted for me. My name has been on the temple prayer roll in many temples...I don't even know how many, but I know that it's a lot! I have others are may not believe in God but who continually send positive messages and thoughts my way and let me know how concerned they are for me and that I am loved and important to them. I can't tell you how touched I am and how humbling this is! From dinners to yoga pants and zip-up jackets to candy and flowers and sweet cards. From hospital "survival kits" and pedicures to child care and endless rides to and from practice and school events. From concerned friends and teachers to loving and supportive church leaders, I think I'm going to be just fine.

I can adapt. I look down at myself and see a new landscape. It's weird...I told my daughters that I'll need to go through puberty again to get it back. Ha! Now, I know that this is huge... to have a body part amputated and give it a special name like "mastectomy" almost makes it sounds routine and normal. There isn't anything normal about this. However, I don't need a breast to breathe, digest, think, etc... And in fact, next year when I get another one, I'll be back to wearing a bra without stuffing. I see it this way...I have given birth and breastfed 4 times and had no plans for more children. I used them for their intended purposes and would take this 10 times out of 10 in comparison to lung or brain cancer. I think this might be the only cancer that I can recover from and look better afterwards for it! I hope that made sense...No I don't want cancer, but how many cancer patients can go to a plastic surgeon and ask for a new brain...lung...blood...?

I can accept. I am one of the last people you'll meet who would willingly take a handout or a favor. It isn't in my nature...receiving service and allowing others to do for me is something that I am still learning. I'm not sure I'll ever really learn it. But, I need it. This has been one of the hardest parts of healing...relying on others. I can accept new problems and deal with them. As long as there is a plan. But accepting help and service has never been my job...it's something for sure that I need to accept a little bit better because I've learned that I'm not enough for this family right now. I need the help.

I have faith in Christ.  I know that in the end, I will be made whole because of our Savior.  I may have to go through difficult and painful experiences in this life, but I can become even stronger if I face these trials while leaning upon Him.  Each of us will have trials unique to us.  How we each deal with those trials will determine whether we crumble, become numb or thrive. Mountains to Climb
I love this video made from clips of a talk by one of my Church leaders.  Come What May, and Love It.  Here is another wonderful, amazing talk about adversity and trials by one of my Church leaders (his wife passed away a year before this talk, and he passed away 2 months after the talk). I loved listening to it again and I draw strength from it. Enjoy!

A Time To Heal

It is now 7:30 pm and Lauren is finally comfortable in her regular room.  She was in the post surgery recovery room since 1:30 pm.  Lauren checked in at 6:00 am this morning, so this has been a very long day for her.  After the sentinel lymph node mapping tests were completed this morning, she was ready for surgery.  The mastectomy, chemo port insertion and node biopsy procedures all went very well according to the surgeon.  The surgeon removed 5 nodes due to their suspicious nature.  Preliminary tests on the nodes during surgery appear good.  We will know the actual results in 48 hours or so.  However, it appears that the cancer has not spread beyond the main tumor, it's 4 satellites within the breast, and the first couple lymph nodes.  This would be the best news we have heard in the whirlwind of the last 4 weeks.  She was very emotional and in a lot of pain following waking up from anesthesia. Large doses of phentinal helped her tremendously!!! All in all, she is comfortable now, ready to eat finally and feeling very blessed and grateful for all the love, prayers, etc.

Small Victories

I haven't mentioned this before because I was pretty scared, but I was convinced that the cancer was in my lungs because of shortness of breath, tightness in my chest with a little pain at times, and a shooting pain in my upper back. Plus, I've had a bit of a cold/cough for about two months. I insisted on another test before surgery, although my doctor wasn't as concerned.
This morning I went in for chest x-rays and everything came back free and clear. FREE AND CLEAR!!! When I write something in all caps, it's fo realz. I guess I am experiencing anxiety of some sorts...wonder why? lol!
Adam has suggested on many occasions to get back to yoga. He's so right! Breathing, being calm and staying in one place while clearing my mind is definitely what I need.
Also, I am so thankful for a wonderful nurse who felt my need for assurance and peace of mind to expedite this x-ray. I had it taken at 9 am and she called with results by 11:00. I love her so much!
Yay for small victories!!!

A Change In Plans

Yesterday while logging on to Yahoo to open my email I noticed a news story about a woman who decided to delay breast cancer treatment in the name of science so that she could donate her tumor. Click here for the story. She has a more rare type of cancer called "triple negative". The typical and more common courses of treatment do not work on her. This is because her tumors are unaffected by the hormones progesterone and estrogen, as well as the HER2 protein. She is in a rare category...between 10-20% of breast cancer falls into this category and it is overall much harder to fight and treat.
As I read her story (of course I had to since it's a cancer story) I picked up my lab results to compare mine against hers. It turns out that I am her. My cancer is triple negative. I am an information getter...I worry more by not knowing than by knowing and understanding. If there is a course of action and a plan, I feel much better. Finding out on my own that I am a triple negative was jarring to say the least, so first thing this morning I called my surgeon to confirm it. He should know by now that if he hasn't told me, I'm going to find out soon.
Less than 5 minutes after I left a message for him, he called. But he called not knowing I had just left a message...his call was about something entirely different. First, he confirmed my suspicions and I am considered a triple negative. Radiation is now OUT. His call was about the MRI...results are in.
I have 4 satellite spots that have shown up independent of my main tumor. This is all contained within the right breast. Also, two lymph nodes look suspicious. Not enlarged or anything, but suspicious. Plans have changed...with all of the "removing" going on, I'll look like a mess. I have now be upgraded to a mastectomy! Which is fine. Like I said, I need a plan and I have one. This will be followed up with chemotherapy. Potent chemotherapy. Triple negative tumors respond very well to chemo, but it's probably going to be very strong. The other very good news I've learned is that all of the problems are front loaded. This means that I'll go at the cancer guns a-blazing, full-force and this type of cancer reacts well and fast. There is a much higher chance of it returning within the first 3-5 years. However, after that the chances drop of considerably! That is awesome news to me!!! I can handle this.
One last thing...surgery was moved up 5 days to the 13th. He'll perform a mastectomy, a biopsy of my sentinel lymph node, and remove any nodes that he feels are misbehaving. If the sentinel node comes back cancerous, he'll have to go back in and remove the rest. You may be wondering why I don't just have him take it all out now?
1. Lymphedema...when you take all of the nodes out, the arm and hand tends to swell. Not good.
2. If I have a double mastectomy, (there are no worries at this point in the left breast), that would be lame. This is why. Would you rather have a general surgeon remove a body part or a plastic surgeon remove a body part? I'm opting for the guy who works magic with scars.
3. Chemotherapy will kill anything trying to mutate inside of me. And I'm good with that.
Lastly, I am really looking forward to getting a new scarf and wrap collection going! And I'll finally be able to have short hair! I've been wanting that for awhile...I guess I should be a little more careful with what I wish for...I might get it!

Claustrophobia Anyone?

As it turns out, I don't enjoy MRI's. I had a little bit of anxiety going into this because I am super claustrophobic. Luckily I was able to lay face down, eye's closed with music piped into some headphones. But then, I was moved into the TUBE. You know how I could tell? The air...I could feel it and immediately the heart-rate went up and the shallow breathing began. You know what I did? I reminded myself of all of the people who prayed and fasted for me. I concentrated on breathing in and out and I listened to the crazy loud noises the machine made. It totally worked! I'll tell you what, though. If there had been a single strap of any kind put over me...anywhere...I'd have been toast.

Let me illustrate for you...for my birthday this year, Adam gave me a Rusty Wallace racing experience where I got to drive a real race car on the track. I went through the training course, suited up, put on my helmet, climbed into the car, and got hooked right the heck up. This means that after all clips, clasps, hooks, etc were fastened and closed, I couldn't move. Not my head or body...the steering wheel was fastened in after I was and the gear shift was the ONLY think my hand could reach aside from the wheel. I began hyperventilating...I tried everything I could think of to stay in that car...up to the very last second. I thought I'd die...literally, my chest was constricting and I could not take in air. The pit crew ran over and pulled me out before death happened (sorry...a little exaggerated, I know) and I was so disappointed.

I tell you this because I want you to understand just how nervous I was today. Which means that because of your prayers and fasting, I was able to be blessed with the peace I needed to make it through the procedure.

Now, about the procedure. I'm sure I'll know more about it when I speak to my oncologist on Thursday. I was given contrast in an IV which is a dye that highlights what needs to be seen better...like a tumor or something that they may have missed. SO, until Thursday...

So...how bad is it really?

We don't know yet.  

What we do know is the size of Lauren's tumor measured at 3.6 cm (roughly 1 and 1/2 inches) as of her July 10th mammogram. 

We also know her tumor has been labelled as invasive and a nuclear grade 3.  Based on zero medical background but access to many cancer sites on the glorious internet, it appears this is considered high, and means it is more likely to come back after it is removed completely with surgery as compared with a lower grade, and generally will require additional treatment.  Lauren's surgeon has already informed us that radiation is one treatment at minimum that will be required with the lumpectomy.  Whether chemotherapy or further removals or tests/scans will be required will depend primarily on the additional lymph node biopsies which will also be done either before or at the time of surgery.

Based on the pathology report from the biopsies taken on July 16, comments from her surgeon, and my review of various cancer sites on the internet, it appears that her cancer cells are growing and dividing very quickly.  Under the ki-67 biopsy test conducted, a Low rate of growth is less than 10%, moderate is 10-20%, high is anything above 20%.  Lauren's cancer cell growth rate is at 35% (such an over achiever!), which according to the sites reviewed generally predicts a poorer prognosis.

Lauren is scheduled for an MRI on Monday August 4th.  She meets with her radiologist on the 7th.  Then her oncologist on the 14th (who will work with Lauren long term post surgery).  Surgery is tentatively scheduled for the 18th.  This is what we know at this point.

When the lymph node biopsies are conducted (either before or at the time of surgery), and when reviewed along with the MRI to be performed and her previous tests, the doctors will then be able to "Stage" Lauren's cancer.  From my preliminary review, it appears Lauren is already at minimum Stage 2.

If you wish to join us in fasting for Lauren this Sunday 3rd, I would really appreciate it.  For those not familiar with fasting, go to www.lds.org and type in "what is fasting?" in the search bar.

Lumpectomy

Last night was decision time. Adam and I went to see my surgeon yesterday and had a nice long consult with him. I've been mulling this decision over for a week, so I had time to come to a well thought-out conclusion. I feel really good about this because of a few things. 

1. I have options and all of my options produce the same rate of recurrence.

2. My doctor didn't try to sway me in any way...which tells me that any choice I made was the right one for me. 

3. Why on earth would I remove healthy body parts with a mastectomy? The risks associated with it far outweigh the fear of recurrence...why would I remove a healthy breast because of something that I fear might happen 10 years down the road? Once I took fear and panic out of the equation, the choice was obvious to me. 

I'll be visiting with my brand-new oncologist and radiology oncologist in the near future...appointments were made today. It is so weird that I have an ONCOLOGIST. I'm still living in a dream.

I have an MRI scheduled first thing next week and surgery is scheduled for the 18th of August, better known as the first day of school. Great timing! I'll be able to spend the next two weeks preparing the kids for school...haircuts, school supply shopping, last minute beach trip. And then my mom comes in the weekend before the surgery to help with my soon-to-be-chaotic life. Hey, who am I kidding...it's already chaotic.