I'm NOT finished!

I have figured a few things out in the past week. Things that I know for sure. Hold on now, because I have a story to tell and it is a crazy, almost unbelievable one full of miracles. Yes, I said miracles and I know you'll agree with me when you've finished reading. I do not lend myself to much drama...in fact, I avoid it and almost didn't author this blog because of the exposure it gives me. I tend to err on the side of caution and think that things aren't quite as serious as they are. But now I know better.

I'll start with the 26th of December.

I had my last chemotherapy treatment and settled into the weekend to get through the yuck that it brought. Monday the 29th my son Landon had several friends over for a Netflix movie marathon, which was perfect for me. It kept the kids home, occupied, and they left me alone to rest. I felt sick, out of breath and very tired. So I slept in and allowed the marathon downstairs. At about 11:30 a.m., I awoke and went downstairs to eat something. Then I realized that the teenagers needed lunch, so I ordered a stack of pizzas and decided to grab Maggie and go pick them up.

Why didn't I have them delivered? It didn't occur to me...I felt well enough to drive. Until I started driving! I was halfway to the Jonesville Hungry Howies before I began to feel dizzy, lightheaded and nauseous. For those of you not living in Gainesville, this is just a straight shot a few miles down the road from my house. I fought to hold on but I knew that I should pull over, so once I got close enough, I veered into the Jonesville Publix parking lot and parked at the entrance to the lot, close to Newberry Road. I put my head on the steering wheel and waited for the feeling to pass, but it didn't. It got worse, so I got out of the car and knelt down. I thought maybe I'd just put my head down for a few minutes, so I knelt down on my knees and put my forehead onto the pavement...in the middle of a parking spot. Maggie stayed in the car...she thought I'd just throw up and feel better...she has seen me sick before.

Adam really enjoyed teasing me about my great parking job!
This is how he found the car later that night.

The next thing I'm aware of is this big engine sound, and a man saying, "Ma'am, are you alright?"

I looked up and saw that the fire department had pulled up and upon discovering me laying in the parking lot, stopped to inquire...can't imagine why they'd think anything was wrong! Ha! So I told them that I was fine and experiencing chemo side effects and it was still a little fresh...I just needed a minute to collect myself. Except then the next thing I know, I'm flat on my back staring up at a fireman's face as he's talking to Maggie.

Once I was awake, he proceeded to explain to me that I'd had a syncope episode in front of them and started asking me all kinds of questions. Apparently I had fainted and Maggie just kind of caught me as I fell back. By that time, I asked Maggie to call Adam. The fire department called an ambulance and they all decided to tell Adam to meet me at the hospital. Except I didn't think I needed the hospital, so I told them that Adam could just pick me up. Then, the paramedic said that he "really, really, encouraged me to go to the hospital." I really didn't want to go and felt that it was kind of extreme and totally unnecessary, but something made me agree with them.

I felt kind of stupid getting on the gurney and as we were traveling, the paramedic asked me to lose my sweatshirt and t-shirt so that he could hook me up with stuff. Um, nope. I am not cute under all of my clothes and he wasn't about to see that, so I got all modest on him and said NOPE. The hospital could do it...I was pretty sure they wouldn't need to anyway so what was the point? Well that was a big fat mistake...I learned the hard way that when a paramedic says to lose the shirt, you lose it! And this is why.

I started to faint again. I remember losing my hearing, feeling my face drain, my vision going, my stomach turning and then I said something to the paramedic that is unusual. I said, "I'm leaving now." I remember him saying "What?" and I repeated it again. "I'm leaving now." Next thing I know, he's in my face, telling me to wake up while apologizing for having to cut my shirt off. He then told me that my heart stopped. He had to thump it back into rythm and I'm thinking that that's pretty weird. Then I notice the sirens, the cars parting, and realize that it's true. Then I start to kind of freak out...which means that I got very quiet and tearful. I was met at the hospital by a full team of people and thrown into a big room where a bunch of doctors and specialists would spend the next 24 hours figuring out what happened to me. 

My oncologist came numerous times, each time with more research done to try and figure out why this happened. Long story short is that it was not caused by chemo...never has my type of chemo combined with the amount and number of doses given caused someone to flat-line like I did. Oh, I officially had an 8 second "pause". Pretty weird, especially on a 38 year old.

My cardiologist ordered all kinds of tests. Nothing can be found. My heart looks good. I had X-rays, echo-cardiograms, cat scan, ultrasounds, blood work, etc...everything came back looking good.

My primary care doctor was in and out too. He was the one who kind of orchestrated all of the efforts and was in control of my stay. He was also flabbergasted.

After all the testing was done, they were in agreement of one thing. I needed a pace-maker. For some reason, my heart was misfiring and even if they ever figured out way, it didn't ever need to happen again. So the consensus was unanimous. I was getting one and getting it right away.

I ended up staying in the hospital for three days. During that time, I was lucky enough to be operated on by an amazing doctor! Big thanks to my friend Holly who filled me in on all of the products that I could possibly be using, and giving me great relief knowing that I'd be taken care of no matter who my doctor was. When I went into the operating room, they all knew who I was because of Holly...she had called them and filled them in on me and I felt at ease even through my nerves. Holly provides pacemakers and had worked with these doctors in the past and loves them all. I am very very lucky to know her! It helped greatly to have that connection when I was so overwhelmed by it all.

The surgery went well, no problems and the pacemaker is now a part of me...I can do anything I want (after the initial first few weeks of healing) and once I got some food in me and felt strong enough, I came home.

After surgery, ready to go home!

So, what have I learned? A few things.

I know that if Landon hadn't had a party, I would have stayed at home and died in bed. Why did I leave the house to pick up the pizza instead of opt for delivery? Normal people have pizza delivered when they feel bad. I would have died at home if I had done that.

I know that I was at the right place at the right time. I know that I was prompted to leave the house at that moment. I know that the fire department was led to me. They weren't out fighting fires or on a call. They were grocery shopping and happened to drive down the parking lane that I was laying face down on. I know that was a miracle. I had only been laying there for a few minutes when they found me. If they hadn't, I would have coded in the parking lot in front of Maggie and died.

I know that I am supposed to be alive at this time! There is more for me to do. More time with my family and friends to spend. More things for me to learn and more ways for me to grow. But maybe this growth can happen without my heart stopping or cancer growing, right?

I know that Heavenly Father is very aware of every single detail of our lives. Right down to the very second. He allows things to happen to us, and he also interferes for various reasons. I know that my life was saved by the hands of God through his children...firefighters, paramedics, doctors, and circumstances that lined up in my life to make it all possible.

I know that YOU are amazing, special and a true child of God. God is aware of you, your decisions and every aspect of your life. You have a life to LIVE and work to do. You are here for a very exact reason. You are here to make a positive impact on others, to help others and to learn and to grow! If you are wondering what your purpose in life is, just know that you have one, if not many purposes. If you don't know this, it's time to ask. It's not hard to pray and there isn't a special way in which to do it. Just talk to God...do it out loud, do it silently, on your knees or in your car. Be humble, be open and find your relationship with your Heavenly Father. If you are doing good things, then you are on the right track! Here is a valuable resource that will aid you in your search. Mormon.org

 This song captures my feelings about life lately.

After all that has happened during 2014, I can tell you that I am a happier person than I was a year ago. I've learned more about myself and life in one small year than I've learned in years put together...appreciation for so much and many realizations that I knew before, but are much more tangible now.

Having said that, what my family has been through I wouldn't wish on anyone, but I do know that it's been good for us overall.  Happy New Year everyone and here's to a wonderful 2015! (did I just jinx everyone? haha!)

It is finished!

I am happy to report that I am DONE with all of my treatment. For good! My last infusion was on the 26th of December. It was low-key...no big bells to ring, not celebrations, and a quick getaway when I was done. I liked that part because I never really enjoyed going there and leaving is always the best. I like my doctors, my nurses was always so wonderful, compassionate and helpful. The people at the clinic were always so good to me. But I always felt like I didn't belong there. I still kind of wonder what the point to all of this was?
Here's what's next. I go in every 8 weeks to flush and clean my port which may stay in for up to a year. Although if I have my say, it should come out in February when I have reconstruction. I'll go in every once in awhile for bloodwork, but really that is it! I don't ever have to go in for body scans. Ever. I was surprised to hear that one, but pleasantly surprised. I've talked a bit about my claustrophobia before and have had anxiety thinking about going into the enclosed space for a scan. My doctor explained that because this chemo treatment was precautionary, future scans are unnecessary and would actually cause more harm than good by exposing me to radiation that I don't need. If my bloodwork ever comes back abnormal, then plans will change. I don't anticipate that happening!
Here's the gist of it. I had a very aggressive, relatively rare and if not caught early, deadly form of breast cancer. People die of triple negative, invasive ductal carcinoma regularly. What I was blessed with is the fact that I found it early, before it spread anywhere. It was stage 1...now stage none! This is why I have no scans ahead of me. I DO have a 15% probability of it recurring within the next 3-5 years, but if it doesn't, I'm in the clear for life. This is the whole reason that I had the mastectomy and heavy doses of chemo. Get it done now!
The next few months will be hard...maybe the hardest with reconstruction, but so worth it. I'm even beginning to make plans for my swim season in the summer and getting back into swim suit shape, getting strong and finally growing some hair! Things are looking up!
I cannot even begin to describe how much I've learned through this process. SO many things, like learning how to let others help me. Learning the true meaning of compassion and love and that people need things without asking for them. That I have an incredibly loving and supportive circle of friends and family that I can count on for anything at all. I have a husband who has been supportive and is now ready for life as we once knew it. My children thankfully treated me the same. Loving, but the same which I found comforting. Sometimes you need normal. No, always you need a little normal and although losing my  hair in the beginning was alarming to them, they never acted embarrassed about me having it gone. I have the best kids in the world!
I'm looking forward to having my mom and sister come spend some time with me in February. Although it may be for reasons that aren't great, I'll have the comfort and love from family that I've always had when I needed it most...even from all the way across the country. I have learned through all of this that I am ridiculously blessed. I knew it before, but I felt it more now than ever. Sometimes blessings come disguised in strange packages, but are blessings nontheless.
You know what? At the beginning of 2014, I remember making a comment to Adam that this was going to be a great year! We had so many things going for us and I just knew that good things were coming our way. I'll never say that again...(although I do have the same opinion of 2015), but the truth of this was evident. I have never had a more difficult year. We've had a house flood that left half our downstairs devastated for 6 months. The financial burden of that was overwhelming, as well as the toll it took on day-to-day living. We've had every single computer crash just this last month. We've had identity theft twice in the last month. I've been stretched physically and Adam has been stretched emotionally. But our children are healthy, happy, smart, beautiful and just very good people. I'm blessed to be able to stay home to recuperate because of my husband who is talented and runs a successful office and career as an attorney. I couldn't have done this all very well if I knew that I had to work outside of the home as well. Really, I can go on and on, but the point is this: What gets people through difficult times is to recognize God's hand in your life. Recognize your blessings and know that even in the hardest parts of life, you can get through it. Not alone, but with God. He'll put people in your life...living angels. Now it's my turn to be that for others.

New Stuff

Ok, last post for the night. For my mom and family who want to know.
I am taking something called Taxotere. Now, go to this link and it will tell you all there is to know about what I'm experiencing.
Or, I'll just tell you.
My fingers hurt when I type. My nail beds on my hands and feet are sore and I've been told that they could lift and fall off, crack and and peel or turn yellow. I just keep Jamberry nail stickers on them and nail polish and nobody is the wiser. Except that I guess now you are.
When I came home from treatment, I wasn't nauseous. I thought I'd hit the jackpot! And then after a few hours, once the steroids they gave me wore off, other stuff happened. I kept less food down this time than last. Nausea didn't stay with me, thankfully, but it came in waves. I can deal with waves and will take that a 1000 times over constant nausea like before.
Everything hurt. Muscles, bones, teeth, eyes, head, organs...my ovaries screamed at me for a week. I literally think they are dying, which should save us on birth control! ha!
I walked like a sick person.
Shallow breathing...it hurt to breathe deeply or expand my lungs and I really felt like something was wrong! But it wasn't...it was just the chemo and I know that now because I'm feeling a bit better.
My mouth was swollen...throat was sore and thick...flu-like symptoms, headache and digestion issues. Severe fatigue. So tired all...the...time...
I even have a rash breaking out on my hand (tea tree oil has been wonderful for that!) which is only the beginning of the skin problems. I knew that was coming though.
Now, having said that, I will take all of the above symptoms hands down compared with what I went through with Epirubicin. Every day. No joke. Epirubicin was so bad and I had no recourse whatsoever for prescribed relief that my on-call doctor (I broke down and begged the doctor late at night for help once) actually told me that I should just go smoke pot. I kid you not. I know that he was trying so hard to be helpful and felt bad for me and really had nothing to offer that I hadn't already tried. Being that it's still very illegal here and I can't ever see myself doing that, I muscled through it without the pot. (can you imagine me upstairs in my room getting high while my family just mills about?!?)
SO, I got off on a tangent there...sorry. Taxotere comes with it's own issues, but things are looking better and I have just two more treatments. And I'll be done by New Years! And then on to reconstruction! YES!!!
Thank you all for your patience, love, prayers, support and understanding. It means everything.

No More "Red Death"

Word on the street is that this stuff is called the "Red Death". I get it and understand why. Here is a typical chemo treament. By the way, Epirubicin is only 1/3 of the chemo cocktail that I get...I just hate it the most.

Lauren Towers...aka the uni-bomber hoodrat, heading to chemotherapy to get the "red death" for the last time.

I try not to look to much...but this how they access my port. You guys, blood comes from there. Grody.

I cannot even look at "push" I.V. connections without getting nauseous and faint. I went to visit a friend in the hospital who was getting some muscle relaxer pushed through a connection like this in her I.V. and almost passed out. Is that PTSD? Anyway, this is the stuff that nightmares of made of. I cannot begin to tell you how much I detest this stuff.

This is how I roll during chemo. Kindle...headphones...and beanie. Does my face look symmetrical to you? Maybe I should bring that up with Dr. Rosenberg...haha!

Making Strides Against Cancer

I walked. A lot. I had a big fundraiser that I was a part of. It made me feel really good to be able to DO something good about cancer. Being a patient during treatment can make you feel really helpless, so although I decided to walk the 5K just 2 days after treatment, it was worth it. I paid for it for the next several days, but at least I felt like a good person being worthwhile for a minute. Totally worth it! And a big thank you to those who donated to my team and for those that walked it with me! Here's a picture of my 5K people!

Here's Coral Anderson, her daughter Kelsey Davis, me and Maggie! I am in a hard hat because my team with Dr. Rosenberg's group. He's my chosen plastic surgeon and therefore I was "currently under re-construction". Coral has been amazing...helping me paint the house before the floors were installed...rehang cabinets not to mention that she is also a survivor. Kelsey has introduced me to some pretty wonderful natural essential oils that have helped a lot! Maggie is my sidekick all. the. time.

Lately

Here are a few things we've been up to lately....I swear after this post I'll talk about cancer...I'm working up to that.

Molly's undefeated team, CHAOS...soccer is a big part of our life!

Adam and I with our friends Greg and Christy Anderson at "Gainesville Gone Austin", a great charity even that benefits the Child Advocacy Center. This is our yearly tradition.

Just the two of us!

This handsome beast was just inducted into the National Honor Society! Way to go Landon!

Halloween party at the Valentines!

Anyone up for a hayride?

I grew tons of hair. Like in a day. Or maybe I just bought a wig....
Adam and I were lucky enough to be given some tickets to the Florida-Georgia game (which we totally won!). So while we were in Jacksonville for the game I headed to a wig shop and bought some hair. Adam really likes it...and after looking up Catherine Zeta-Jones in "Chicago", I get it.

Just because I love these two boys so much. They look an awful lot alike!

My newest craft project. A Pinterest success!

Adam turned 42! Whoo-hoo! I made him a delicious breakfast, went out for lunch together, he had cake at his office and then his favorite dinner at home with gifts and family. We get to celebrate his gift on December 12th with a night away on the town...hotel, theater, fancy dinner...the whole sha-bang.

Ms. Molly was right behind him and turned 14!

Goof-Ball!

We aren't big on cake, so I went with a bundt. I later made cake truffles out of it. 

This is one of about 4 pictures I got from Molly's crazy loud giggly birthday party. Several of the girls had already left, but at least these ones held semi-still for me!

This is one of the last pictures I took of myself with hair. See how thin it is at my hairline? And how high my hairline became? I turned into a professional bald spot hider. I understand now why guys just shave their hair instead of doing the "comb-over"...but I got good at it!

Let's Talk About...

Hi there. So I know that my blog is all about cancer and misbehaving, but let's not talk about cancer right now, alrighty? I'm a bit over it.
First, before and after pictures of my floors! Do you see all of the glue on that concrete? This is AFTER we spent forever scraping and scraping. We finally hired a cool company that knows what they are doing. They literally scraped the top layer off of our concrete slab. For the whole first floor!

This floor is a honey oak and although it's old and scratched, could have given us a few more years.

The grodiest kitchen floor ever. Even after you scrub grout and mop, you aren't happy.

So this is a sample of the different types of flooring we had in. Kind of mismatched. The laundry and kitchen was tiled. Everthing else was wood, but having the kitchen and laundry right in the center of the house messed up the "flow". Adam and I decided that if we were going to have the mess and expense of floors going in, we might as well do it the way we really want and go all in! So we did and made the entire downstairs our new "Petrified Hickory" wood tile. It turned out amazing!

I am loving the new "flow"!

We've always had a threshold here between tile and wood. Now, it's so smooth!

Almost complete!

I am loving the matching grout. I laid right down on that floor the day it was installed. Obsessed!

Oh my gosh I loveitIloveitIloveit. I even spent the 3 days before the floors went in painting everything in sight. I changed the light blue on the walls to gray and Adam painted all the ceilings. Totally worth it!

The floor is complete, but the baseboards were next on my list to do! I scraped and painted all of the baseboards the next day. And do you see the furniture on the patio? That was fun....ish.

So there you go. And I'm sure I'll get some pics of the house put back together soon...I'm still working on that! 

Ya know, it's been a great distraction. Having something to work on and concentrate on instead of cancer has been great. I guess the flood was a blessing?