Relief!

I have a video for you to watch. I had my head shaved on Saturday. So if you want to watch, there are some ground rules. 

1.  No crying, pitying, or feeling sorry for me.

I guess that's just one basic ground rule. So if you want, go ahead. It was a great moment for me...total relief!

Symbolic

OK, walk with me on this one. I am not one for getting all deep and seeing a lot of  symbolism in life, but this is just too obvious. You see that dumpster in my front yard? It means that my old decrepit floors are being removed and the concrete slab will be ground down to be clean and smooth. You see that little bathroom selfie of me? That marks the day in which my hair has begun to fall out. At least 5 strands every time I pull my hands through it...not a lot yet considering how much hair I have. But how ironic that  after 6 months of floor issues and nonsense, they are all finally coming out at the very same time as my hair. And it's perfect timing. These floors are an exciting distraction for me...I can't wait to show you the end result!

Chemotherapy

SO, everything and everybody had me prepared for chemo. I was curious as to how I would handle it. I am such a newbie to all of this and everyone is so reassuring (even doctors, patients, etc...) that the fear wasn't there. Nerves, yes, but not fear.
So in I went on September 11th, the day of destruction, to kill all of the little cancer cells that may be lurking inside me. As they hooked me up, I became more and more anxious of the whole procedure. For instance, they draw blood out of my chest. Yes, there is a port in my chest and they draw blood from it. THAT is wrong. They have to check my blood every time, so there is that to look forward to. Then, I get a patch for nausea and two other medications intravenously to combat nausea. I'm thinking that I'm going to be set! Then there are a few meds they have to push through and another that goes on a drip. By noon, I'm done. Sounds easy, right? I've also been given two other anti-nausea meds to take home with me, so I've got my bases covered!
Not so...a few hours later, I have acute nausea. So BAD. I have tried everything. I came home from the appt. feeling good, just a little tired. But by that night, I was begging Adam to give me a blessing and resorted to the final anti-nausea pill that causes drowsiness. After the blessing and the final pill, I slept that night. I've pretty much done nothing BUT sleep since Thursday. There is a metal taste in my mouth all the time and an aversion to food, but today the nausea is lifting. So I'm going to expect this every time and be a little more prepared.  I guess I'm the "special one" who nausea enjoys to torment, but at least I may have found the magic sleepy pill that works on me. Here's the awesome news...only 5 more to go! Then I'm done!!!

Before and After

I know that it's been awhile, sorry about that. But I'll catch you all up on stuff. First, here is a quick before and after of my hair. I was supposed to wait until the day before chemo to get it cut, but I couldn't handle thinking about it anymore, so in I went and off it came! It's not my favorite and not even what I actually asked for, but the stylist took 2 hours trying to get it just right. The lady waiting after me was so sweet and patient as well, so here you go! It's fine, and if it was staying then I'd probably go back. I'll enjoy it for a few weeks! 

September 11th

This is my start date for chemotherapy. I get it every 3 weeks. 6 cycles of it with 3 treatments in each cycle, so that makes 18 weeks of chemo. My treatment ends in mid January, with reconstruction 1 month after that. So, if all goes well, I will be ready to teach swimming lessons by summer! That was a big concern of mine.
My first oncology visit was today. I didn't expect it to hit me as hard as it did. The doctor told me that my cancer cells were beasts. The rate of reproduction was crazy fast and aggresive. They got it all, but want to make sure of it...hence chemo. Also, I have a 30% chance of it coming back. If I do chemo, it goes down to a 15% chance. If it comes back, with the type of cancer I have, I will be out of options. I really, really don't want to do chemo, but what choice do I have?
I found it interesting that I knew all of this. However, having it presented to me in black and white, on official medical transcripts was final. And although I knew it, it felt like I was seeing it for the first time.
So what I need to ask of you is this...keep praying for me. Today, things are rough. I'll be alright, but sometimes facing reality knocks you off your game. Today I was faced with big buckets of cold hard reality.

Pride and Peace

Did you know that I have a special talent for making people cry? When friends and acquaintances find out that I have cancer, the tears begin to flow. I know better than to think that this is all for my sake. Just about everyone has witnessed the slow and undignified way that cancer kills and it hurts to remember. I feel that my disease is a reminder to them, and I am so sorry for that. I have already felt my dignity diminish a little, but I also know that pride is not something worth holding on to. Nobody can navigate their lives with complete control. By fighting this disease, I hand over my control to those who know best...and in the process I have lost a lot of pride. You know what? It feels good. I cannot control anything but my own choices, and right now I choose to leave my life in the hands of my doctors and ultimately, God. God is the ultimate scientist...a true healer.

I have heard this a lot lately..."Lauren, I am amazed at your strength."  I am not sure that I am worthy of that statement. Let me illustrate...during the summer months, I spend my days in the water teaching little ones the basics in swimming and life-saving skills. These tiny children often tell me that they are scared and that if I let go of them, they will drown and die. Still, they trust me and allow me to teach them. They are the bravest people I know. And this is WHY I don't consider myself brave...I don't have fear of this disease. I know what can happen. I know that it can spread to my blood, my brain, my lungs, etc...I know that I have a higher chance of recurrence than other forms of breast cancer. I have already lost a lot and will lose more...but I am not afraid. What I DO have is this: Peace.

I am relieved to have turned control over to God. He will help the Doctors perform what they have trained endlessly to do. He is in control of whether I live or die. All I can do is my best at living and turn the rest over to him. And just to be clear...I am doing my best at living. I know who I am, why I am here and where I am going. I know God's plan. I don't feel punished and I don't feel like this is unfair. Why shouldn't I have problems like others have? Why should I feel exempt? What I do know is that I am learning things I couldn't possibly learn without going through this. I'll be stronger for it and my family will be closer because of it. I have absolute peace in knowing this. And it feels good.
Here is a little video that shows how anyone can come to know this for themselves.


Waking up everyday and watching the news is difficult. Listening to what is in store for me for the next couple of years is difficult. It is a hard world that we live in, but as I said at the top of this page, if we take away pride (or in my case, I kind of lost it regardless of wanting to or not) it makes it a bit more tolerable. We are teachable...kinder...more thoughtful. We can be at peace. This is illustrated in the video below.

Now, a quick update about today...the staples were taken out and I'm left with some frankensteinish stitches. I enjoyed showing a few of them to Molly, who immediately collapsed onto the floor in all her 13 year old drama saying, "MOM! Yuck...stop it!" Haha, I kind of enjoyed that! The drain was taken out as well which was such a strange feeling. The first thing I did when I came home was to lay on my right side in comfort. Still, I felt bad this afternoon and let my mom take over. I am tired of being stitched together. I am tired of being lopsided. I am tired of feeling my stomach get queasy with the thought of getting my stitches out next week and the idea of a needle going into my port every single time I have treatment. All of that is bad and dreaded. I want a good night's sleep that I haven't had in over a week. See? I have all of the normal cancer anxieties, but what I'm grateful for is through all the minutia of cancer, I am ultimately left with Peace.

p.s. It looks like you'll need Adobe Flash Player on your device in order to watch the video...you may want to watch on your computer.

Good News, Right?

Yesterday was a BIG day. Aside from it being the first day of school, soccer practice, and seminary, it was my first in-office post-operation appointment. Otherwise known as....pathology reports are in!
As Adam, my mom and I waited in the examining room, my surgeon walked and after greeting us, proceeds to read us the BEST NEWS EVER as if he's reading the morning paper. Surgeons...this guy is awesome, but he really keeps all emotion out of his bedside manner. Here's the gist of it.

Essentially, the cancer hasn't spread. At ALL. Every node taken tested negative for cancer cells. Also, all margins from my tumor and margins from my satellite masses tested negative for cancer cells! (the margin is the extra tissue surrounding the tumor that is cut in order to make sure they got it all.)

Of the actual main tumor that is 3.6 cm, only 1.2 cm was discovered to be invasive cancer...otherwise known as:

• Invasive ductal carcinoma (IDC): Cancerous cells grow in the duct lining, break through the wall of the duct and invade local breast tissue. From there, the cancer may spread (metastasize) to other parts of the body.

All other cancer in the main tumor and surrounding areas was known as:

• Ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS): Cancerous cells are confined within the lining of the milk ducts, and haven't spread through the duct walls into surrounding breast tissue. If DCIS lesions are left untreated, over time cancer cells may break through the duct and spread to nearby tissue, becoming an invasive breast cancer.

This is exactly what we have been praying and hoping and relying on! This was everything!!! All of every good thing that you have been sending my way and up to Heavenly Father was granted to me and to us! I can't express my thanks enough. Nothing I can do will ever be enough to thank all of you who have helped me through this! I know it's not over, but this is huge to me. As the Dr. read the results all matter-of-factly, we looked at each other with that dropped jaw look...like "is he really saying this?" Yes. He said it and I know that inwardly he did somersaults for us. How could he not? I tell myself that Dr.'s have to emotionally remove themselves from these types of situations in order to cope. I don't know how they do this every day without just looking at everything from a technical standpoint. I don't even care...that man is getting some freshly baked cookies.

A few things you'll probably want to know...especially the ladies. He had to take all of everything from the right side right down to the chest wall. I literally have nothing but skin and as he changed the bandages, I finally saw what I have been avoiding. That was a reality check for sure and made me a little sad. But, I've looked at a lot of pictures and I have to say that his work is the best I've seen. Are you completely grossed out now? Also, I'm still swelling a little so the lovely little drain I am wearing gets to stay with me for a few more days. On Thursday the stitches come out and next week staples come out. But every day is a little less painful and I am pushing through the sore muscles and numbness to get mobility and feeling back. It's working.

On Monday I meet with my oncologist...it looks like I'll still be going through chemotherapy due to the nature of the cancer, but I'll know more after that appointment. I'll totally be on board with what she wants me to do. I just want the cancer annihilated!

Finally, can I just say that I have the BEST friends and family! All of you are the reason why this is going so well and God is hearing you and me. He knows you and loves you. And if you don't know that, just take my word for it until you do. His WILL will be done, and right now he wants me to live!