I'm NOT finished!

I have figured a few things out in the past week. Things that I know for sure. Hold on now, because I have a story to tell and it is a crazy, almost unbelievable one full of miracles. Yes, I said miracles and I know you'll agree with me when you've finished reading. I do not lend myself to much drama...in fact, I avoid it and almost didn't author this blog because of the exposure it gives me. I tend to err on the side of caution and think that things aren't quite as serious as they are. But now I know better.

I'll start with the 26th of December.

I had my last chemotherapy treatment and settled into the weekend to get through the yuck that it brought. Monday the 29th my son Landon had several friends over for a Netflix movie marathon, which was perfect for me. It kept the kids home, occupied, and they left me alone to rest. I felt sick, out of breath and very tired. So I slept in and allowed the marathon downstairs. At about 11:30 a.m., I awoke and went downstairs to eat something. Then I realized that the teenagers needed lunch, so I ordered a stack of pizzas and decided to grab Maggie and go pick them up.

Why didn't I have them delivered? It didn't occur to me...I felt well enough to drive. Until I started driving! I was halfway to the Jonesville Hungry Howies before I began to feel dizzy, lightheaded and nauseous. For those of you not living in Gainesville, this is just a straight shot a few miles down the road from my house. I fought to hold on but I knew that I should pull over, so once I got close enough, I veered into the Jonesville Publix parking lot and parked at the entrance to the lot, close to Newberry Road. I put my head on the steering wheel and waited for the feeling to pass, but it didn't. It got worse, so I got out of the car and knelt down. I thought maybe I'd just put my head down for a few minutes, so I knelt down on my knees and put my forehead onto the pavement...in the middle of a parking spot. Maggie stayed in the car...she thought I'd just throw up and feel better...she has seen me sick before.

Adam really enjoyed teasing me about my great parking job!
This is how he found the car later that night.

The next thing I'm aware of is this big engine sound, and a man saying, "Ma'am, are you alright?"

I looked up and saw that the fire department had pulled up and upon discovering me laying in the parking lot, stopped to inquire...can't imagine why they'd think anything was wrong! Ha! So I told them that I was fine and experiencing chemo side effects and it was still a little fresh...I just needed a minute to collect myself. Except then the next thing I know, I'm flat on my back staring up at a fireman's face as he's talking to Maggie.

Once I was awake, he proceeded to explain to me that I'd had a syncope episode in front of them and started asking me all kinds of questions. Apparently I had fainted and Maggie just kind of caught me as I fell back. By that time, I asked Maggie to call Adam. The fire department called an ambulance and they all decided to tell Adam to meet me at the hospital. Except I didn't think I needed the hospital, so I told them that Adam could just pick me up. Then, the paramedic said that he "really, really, encouraged me to go to the hospital." I really didn't want to go and felt that it was kind of extreme and totally unnecessary, but something made me agree with them.

I felt kind of stupid getting on the gurney and as we were traveling, the paramedic asked me to lose my sweatshirt and t-shirt so that he could hook me up with stuff. Um, nope. I am not cute under all of my clothes and he wasn't about to see that, so I got all modest on him and said NOPE. The hospital could do it...I was pretty sure they wouldn't need to anyway so what was the point? Well that was a big fat mistake...I learned the hard way that when a paramedic says to lose the shirt, you lose it! And this is why.

I started to faint again. I remember losing my hearing, feeling my face drain, my vision going, my stomach turning and then I said something to the paramedic that is unusual. I said, "I'm leaving now." I remember him saying "What?" and I repeated it again. "I'm leaving now." Next thing I know, he's in my face, telling me to wake up while apologizing for having to cut my shirt off. He then told me that my heart stopped. He had to thump it back into rythm and I'm thinking that that's pretty weird. Then I notice the sirens, the cars parting, and realize that it's true. Then I start to kind of freak out...which means that I got very quiet and tearful. I was met at the hospital by a full team of people and thrown into a big room where a bunch of doctors and specialists would spend the next 24 hours figuring out what happened to me. 

My oncologist came numerous times, each time with more research done to try and figure out why this happened. Long story short is that it was not caused by chemo...never has my type of chemo combined with the amount and number of doses given caused someone to flat-line like I did. Oh, I officially had an 8 second "pause". Pretty weird, especially on a 38 year old.

My cardiologist ordered all kinds of tests. Nothing can be found. My heart looks good. I had X-rays, echo-cardiograms, cat scan, ultrasounds, blood work, etc...everything came back looking good.

My primary care doctor was in and out too. He was the one who kind of orchestrated all of the efforts and was in control of my stay. He was also flabbergasted.

After all the testing was done, they were in agreement of one thing. I needed a pace-maker. For some reason, my heart was misfiring and even if they ever figured out way, it didn't ever need to happen again. So the consensus was unanimous. I was getting one and getting it right away.

I ended up staying in the hospital for three days. During that time, I was lucky enough to be operated on by an amazing doctor! Big thanks to my friend Holly who filled me in on all of the products that I could possibly be using, and giving me great relief knowing that I'd be taken care of no matter who my doctor was. When I went into the operating room, they all knew who I was because of Holly...she had called them and filled them in on me and I felt at ease even through my nerves. Holly provides pacemakers and had worked with these doctors in the past and loves them all. I am very very lucky to know her! It helped greatly to have that connection when I was so overwhelmed by it all.

The surgery went well, no problems and the pacemaker is now a part of me...I can do anything I want (after the initial first few weeks of healing) and once I got some food in me and felt strong enough, I came home.

After surgery, ready to go home!

So, what have I learned? A few things.

I know that if Landon hadn't had a party, I would have stayed at home and died in bed. Why did I leave the house to pick up the pizza instead of opt for delivery? Normal people have pizza delivered when they feel bad. I would have died at home if I had done that.

I know that I was at the right place at the right time. I know that I was prompted to leave the house at that moment. I know that the fire department was led to me. They weren't out fighting fires or on a call. They were grocery shopping and happened to drive down the parking lane that I was laying face down on. I know that was a miracle. I had only been laying there for a few minutes when they found me. If they hadn't, I would have coded in the parking lot in front of Maggie and died.

I know that I am supposed to be alive at this time! There is more for me to do. More time with my family and friends to spend. More things for me to learn and more ways for me to grow. But maybe this growth can happen without my heart stopping or cancer growing, right?

I know that Heavenly Father is very aware of every single detail of our lives. Right down to the very second. He allows things to happen to us, and he also interferes for various reasons. I know that my life was saved by the hands of God through his children...firefighters, paramedics, doctors, and circumstances that lined up in my life to make it all possible.

I know that YOU are amazing, special and a true child of God. God is aware of you, your decisions and every aspect of your life. You have a life to LIVE and work to do. You are here for a very exact reason. You are here to make a positive impact on others, to help others and to learn and to grow! If you are wondering what your purpose in life is, just know that you have one, if not many purposes. If you don't know this, it's time to ask. It's not hard to pray and there isn't a special way in which to do it. Just talk to God...do it out loud, do it silently, on your knees or in your car. Be humble, be open and find your relationship with your Heavenly Father. If you are doing good things, then you are on the right track! Here is a valuable resource that will aid you in your search. Mormon.org

 This song captures my feelings about life lately.

After all that has happened during 2014, I can tell you that I am a happier person than I was a year ago. I've learned more about myself and life in one small year than I've learned in years put together...appreciation for so much and many realizations that I knew before, but are much more tangible now.

Having said that, what my family has been through I wouldn't wish on anyone, but I do know that it's been good for us overall.  Happy New Year everyone and here's to a wonderful 2015! (did I just jinx everyone? haha!)

It is finished!

I am happy to report that I am DONE with all of my treatment. For good! My last infusion was on the 26th of December. It was low-key...no big bells to ring, not celebrations, and a quick getaway when I was done. I liked that part because I never really enjoyed going there and leaving is always the best. I like my doctors, my nurses was always so wonderful, compassionate and helpful. The people at the clinic were always so good to me. But I always felt like I didn't belong there. I still kind of wonder what the point to all of this was?
Here's what's next. I go in every 8 weeks to flush and clean my port which may stay in for up to a year. Although if I have my say, it should come out in February when I have reconstruction. I'll go in every once in awhile for bloodwork, but really that is it! I don't ever have to go in for body scans. Ever. I was surprised to hear that one, but pleasantly surprised. I've talked a bit about my claustrophobia before and have had anxiety thinking about going into the enclosed space for a scan. My doctor explained that because this chemo treatment was precautionary, future scans are unnecessary and would actually cause more harm than good by exposing me to radiation that I don't need. If my bloodwork ever comes back abnormal, then plans will change. I don't anticipate that happening!
Here's the gist of it. I had a very aggressive, relatively rare and if not caught early, deadly form of breast cancer. People die of triple negative, invasive ductal carcinoma regularly. What I was blessed with is the fact that I found it early, before it spread anywhere. It was stage 1...now stage none! This is why I have no scans ahead of me. I DO have a 15% probability of it recurring within the next 3-5 years, but if it doesn't, I'm in the clear for life. This is the whole reason that I had the mastectomy and heavy doses of chemo. Get it done now!
The next few months will be hard...maybe the hardest with reconstruction, but so worth it. I'm even beginning to make plans for my swim season in the summer and getting back into swim suit shape, getting strong and finally growing some hair! Things are looking up!
I cannot even begin to describe how much I've learned through this process. SO many things, like learning how to let others help me. Learning the true meaning of compassion and love and that people need things without asking for them. That I have an incredibly loving and supportive circle of friends and family that I can count on for anything at all. I have a husband who has been supportive and is now ready for life as we once knew it. My children thankfully treated me the same. Loving, but the same which I found comforting. Sometimes you need normal. No, always you need a little normal and although losing my  hair in the beginning was alarming to them, they never acted embarrassed about me having it gone. I have the best kids in the world!
I'm looking forward to having my mom and sister come spend some time with me in February. Although it may be for reasons that aren't great, I'll have the comfort and love from family that I've always had when I needed it most...even from all the way across the country. I have learned through all of this that I am ridiculously blessed. I knew it before, but I felt it more now than ever. Sometimes blessings come disguised in strange packages, but are blessings nontheless.
You know what? At the beginning of 2014, I remember making a comment to Adam that this was going to be a great year! We had so many things going for us and I just knew that good things were coming our way. I'll never say that again...(although I do have the same opinion of 2015), but the truth of this was evident. I have never had a more difficult year. We've had a house flood that left half our downstairs devastated for 6 months. The financial burden of that was overwhelming, as well as the toll it took on day-to-day living. We've had every single computer crash just this last month. We've had identity theft twice in the last month. I've been stretched physically and Adam has been stretched emotionally. But our children are healthy, happy, smart, beautiful and just very good people. I'm blessed to be able to stay home to recuperate because of my husband who is talented and runs a successful office and career as an attorney. I couldn't have done this all very well if I knew that I had to work outside of the home as well. Really, I can go on and on, but the point is this: What gets people through difficult times is to recognize God's hand in your life. Recognize your blessings and know that even in the hardest parts of life, you can get through it. Not alone, but with God. He'll put people in your life...living angels. Now it's my turn to be that for others.

New Stuff

Ok, last post for the night. For my mom and family who want to know.
I am taking something called Taxotere. Now, go to this link and it will tell you all there is to know about what I'm experiencing.
Or, I'll just tell you.
My fingers hurt when I type. My nail beds on my hands and feet are sore and I've been told that they could lift and fall off, crack and and peel or turn yellow. I just keep Jamberry nail stickers on them and nail polish and nobody is the wiser. Except that I guess now you are.
When I came home from treatment, I wasn't nauseous. I thought I'd hit the jackpot! And then after a few hours, once the steroids they gave me wore off, other stuff happened. I kept less food down this time than last. Nausea didn't stay with me, thankfully, but it came in waves. I can deal with waves and will take that a 1000 times over constant nausea like before.
Everything hurt. Muscles, bones, teeth, eyes, head, organs...my ovaries screamed at me for a week. I literally think they are dying, which should save us on birth control! ha!
I walked like a sick person.
Shallow breathing...it hurt to breathe deeply or expand my lungs and I really felt like something was wrong! But it wasn't...it was just the chemo and I know that now because I'm feeling a bit better.
My mouth was swollen...throat was sore and thick...flu-like symptoms, headache and digestion issues. Severe fatigue. So tired all...the...time...
I even have a rash breaking out on my hand (tea tree oil has been wonderful for that!) which is only the beginning of the skin problems. I knew that was coming though.
Now, having said that, I will take all of the above symptoms hands down compared with what I went through with Epirubicin. Every day. No joke. Epirubicin was so bad and I had no recourse whatsoever for prescribed relief that my on-call doctor (I broke down and begged the doctor late at night for help once) actually told me that I should just go smoke pot. I kid you not. I know that he was trying so hard to be helpful and felt bad for me and really had nothing to offer that I hadn't already tried. Being that it's still very illegal here and I can't ever see myself doing that, I muscled through it without the pot. (can you imagine me upstairs in my room getting high while my family just mills about?!?)
SO, I got off on a tangent there...sorry. Taxotere comes with it's own issues, but things are looking better and I have just two more treatments. And I'll be done by New Years! And then on to reconstruction! YES!!!
Thank you all for your patience, love, prayers, support and understanding. It means everything.

No More "Red Death"

Word on the street is that this stuff is called the "Red Death". I get it and understand why. Here is a typical chemo treament. By the way, Epirubicin is only 1/3 of the chemo cocktail that I get...I just hate it the most.

Lauren Towers...aka the uni-bomber hoodrat, heading to chemotherapy to get the "red death" for the last time.

I try not to look to much...but this how they access my port. You guys, blood comes from there. Grody.

I cannot even look at "push" I.V. connections without getting nauseous and faint. I went to visit a friend in the hospital who was getting some muscle relaxer pushed through a connection like this in her I.V. and almost passed out. Is that PTSD? Anyway, this is the stuff that nightmares of made of. I cannot begin to tell you how much I detest this stuff.

This is how I roll during chemo. Kindle...headphones...and beanie. Does my face look symmetrical to you? Maybe I should bring that up with Dr. Rosenberg...haha!

Making Strides Against Cancer

I walked. A lot. I had a big fundraiser that I was a part of. It made me feel really good to be able to DO something good about cancer. Being a patient during treatment can make you feel really helpless, so although I decided to walk the 5K just 2 days after treatment, it was worth it. I paid for it for the next several days, but at least I felt like a good person being worthwhile for a minute. Totally worth it! And a big thank you to those who donated to my team and for those that walked it with me! Here's a picture of my 5K people!

Here's Coral Anderson, her daughter Kelsey Davis, me and Maggie! I am in a hard hat because my team with Dr. Rosenberg's group. He's my chosen plastic surgeon and therefore I was "currently under re-construction". Coral has been amazing...helping me paint the house before the floors were installed...rehang cabinets not to mention that she is also a survivor. Kelsey has introduced me to some pretty wonderful natural essential oils that have helped a lot! Maggie is my sidekick all. the. time.

Lately

Here are a few things we've been up to lately....I swear after this post I'll talk about cancer...I'm working up to that.

Molly's undefeated team, CHAOS...soccer is a big part of our life!

Adam and I with our friends Greg and Christy Anderson at "Gainesville Gone Austin", a great charity even that benefits the Child Advocacy Center. This is our yearly tradition.

Just the two of us!

This handsome beast was just inducted into the National Honor Society! Way to go Landon!

Halloween party at the Valentines!

Anyone up for a hayride?

I grew tons of hair. Like in a day. Or maybe I just bought a wig....
Adam and I were lucky enough to be given some tickets to the Florida-Georgia game (which we totally won!). So while we were in Jacksonville for the game I headed to a wig shop and bought some hair. Adam really likes it...and after looking up Catherine Zeta-Jones in "Chicago", I get it.

Just because I love these two boys so much. They look an awful lot alike!

My newest craft project. A Pinterest success!

Adam turned 42! Whoo-hoo! I made him a delicious breakfast, went out for lunch together, he had cake at his office and then his favorite dinner at home with gifts and family. We get to celebrate his gift on December 12th with a night away on the town...hotel, theater, fancy dinner...the whole sha-bang.

Ms. Molly was right behind him and turned 14!

Goof-Ball!

We aren't big on cake, so I went with a bundt. I later made cake truffles out of it. 

This is one of about 4 pictures I got from Molly's crazy loud giggly birthday party. Several of the girls had already left, but at least these ones held semi-still for me!

This is one of the last pictures I took of myself with hair. See how thin it is at my hairline? And how high my hairline became? I turned into a professional bald spot hider. I understand now why guys just shave their hair instead of doing the "comb-over"...but I got good at it!

Let's Talk About...

Hi there. So I know that my blog is all about cancer and misbehaving, but let's not talk about cancer right now, alrighty? I'm a bit over it.
First, before and after pictures of my floors! Do you see all of the glue on that concrete? This is AFTER we spent forever scraping and scraping. We finally hired a cool company that knows what they are doing. They literally scraped the top layer off of our concrete slab. For the whole first floor!

This floor is a honey oak and although it's old and scratched, could have given us a few more years.

The grodiest kitchen floor ever. Even after you scrub grout and mop, you aren't happy.

So this is a sample of the different types of flooring we had in. Kind of mismatched. The laundry and kitchen was tiled. Everthing else was wood, but having the kitchen and laundry right in the center of the house messed up the "flow". Adam and I decided that if we were going to have the mess and expense of floors going in, we might as well do it the way we really want and go all in! So we did and made the entire downstairs our new "Petrified Hickory" wood tile. It turned out amazing!

I am loving the new "flow"!

We've always had a threshold here between tile and wood. Now, it's so smooth!

Almost complete!

I am loving the matching grout. I laid right down on that floor the day it was installed. Obsessed!

Oh my gosh I loveitIloveitIloveit. I even spent the 3 days before the floors went in painting everything in sight. I changed the light blue on the walls to gray and Adam painted all the ceilings. Totally worth it!

The floor is complete, but the baseboards were next on my list to do! I scraped and painted all of the baseboards the next day. And do you see the furniture on the patio? That was fun....ish.

So there you go. And I'm sure I'll get some pics of the house put back together soon...I'm still working on that! 

Ya know, it's been a great distraction. Having something to work on and concentrate on instead of cancer has been great. I guess the flood was a blessing?

1/2 Way There!

This last Thursday was my 3rd chemo visit. I am halfway there! Only 3 more visits until I can kiss the sick goodbye!!!
I cannot stress enough how awful it is to be sick. The 3rd round was bad. I also did a 5K breast cancer awareness walk 2 days after treatment, which wasn't super smart. I spent the next two days paying for it. But I had to do it, and this is why. I can't DO anything about this cancer. I can't help myself. I am very reliant upon doctors and technology, insurance companies, friends and family for the breath I take every day. This might sound dramatic, but it's true. I know, ultimately God is in charge of all...I feel that. But by walking the 5K, it was my own way of giving something back. I felt like it was something I could do....it's just walking. I can do that. Maggie came, as well as Kelsey and Coral (friends) who plugged along with me. I felt like it was worth it!
Sunday I attended a luncheon held by my new plastic surgeon in honor of breast cancer survivors. He had well over 260 women show up. It was literally like a wedding reception...so beautiful! This guy specializes in a procedure called DIEP. I was super impressed with him and how happy his patients were, so this event was invaluable to me! This new surgery will happen sometime in February and I should be good to go by summer for swimming lessons.
Also, a new little development...I go in for blood tests every week. Today was blood test day. It's usually just a quick 10-20 minute procedure and I'm out. Today, however, my blood test came back all wonky. My platelets are very low. I knew I was super tired this week and sometimes I'll catch myself staring at something and not even knowing why. It's a strange kind of tired. Not exhausted, not sleepy, just tired. Like I'm weak. So seeing my blood results today wasn't a huge surprise, but my doctor didn't like it. She had to look at it and retest it and worry about it, but ultimately I just went home. No fever, no problems right now. I'm calling it a chemo side-affect. That's what it's supposed to do, kill my cells and make me tired. They were worried because I take a shot after chemo called Neulasta which boosts my blood cells and they have always tested great. But not today. Like I said, chemo's working!
Some great news...my floors are all being installed this week! They are fabulous. Absolutely gorgeous and I love, love LOVE, them! I'll post some pictures next week at completion.
As for this weekend, stay safe and have a wonderful Halloween!!!

Lately...

You want to know what's going on? It's been awhile since I gave anything newsy, so here goes!
I had my second chemo appointment. I didn't want to go. The idea that actual blood gets taken from my chest (I know, I know...I already told you about this) and when it's done they say things like, "Oh, good blood return!" like I'm not in a horror film. Because I am in a horror film on chemo days. I don't like blood, guts, tampering with body parts, or anything of the sort. I actually cried from anxiety. I can't remember the last time I cried from anxiety...not even when I was claustrophobic. I was ridiculous which made the nurses all sad for me. Once the blood was drawn, I was fine. But you know what they gave to me next? Ativan. I didn't know about Ativan...I had been prescribed Ativan last time but it didn't work for my nausea. Do you think they gave it to me for anxiety under the cloak of a nausea medication? I think yes! It went straight into my vein via the horror port in my chest and I passed right the heck out. Yes, I was one of those chemo patients who fell asleep in the chair! I little embarrassing....but not. After that, everything was fine. If you ever want everything to be fine, just take an Ativan. Works wonders.
This time around, side affects were different. Nausea, yes. But let acute. More vomiting, but less intensity of nausea. I used a different patch and I think it made the difference. This week something new happened. Heartburn. I have never had to deal with heartburn...ever. My stomach and esophagus is on fire every time I swallow. It actually hurts to eat or drink unless it's room temperature water. Yesterday, I had to go back and get blood work done (through a vein in my arm, not my chest which makes it OK) and asked about this new development. They said it's "just the chemo" and gave me two more prescriptions. Have you ever heard of Magic Mouthwash? I kid you not, that's the name of this stuff and it works. You just swish it around your mouth and swallow. It coats everything and makes it numb and awesome. I love it! The other prescription is just another pill I take to help stop the production of stomach acid. I thought I needed that stomach acid....
The other side-effects are the same. Dry-mouth and fatigue plus a few headaches. Otherwise, I'm good. I'm doing good!
Lastly, for those who want to know what kind of stuff I'm taking, here's a shot of my drug list. Just one more cycle of this, then on to a new cocktail. 2 cycles down, 4 more to go!

Some Good News

I have some great news, especially for my blood relatives. I had some genetic testing done. It tests the BRCA1 and BRCA2  genes to determine if they are...well...essentially to determine if they are mutants. I know...what a word, right? I guess it is the Halloween month of October which is also the month of breast cancer awareness. So the word mutation is appropriate! What I'm taking a very long time saying is this: There is no mutation found in my BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes! YAY! I'm still a mutant, because I still like to get all weird and make my own specially formed mutated cells, but at least I haven't passed this on to my kids. Huge sigh of relief! And my mom, sisters, nieces, even the males in the family...this is one thing you cannot peg on me! So don't go all Angelina Jolie on me and get everything removed. Keep your girls! However, get your girls checked out earlier than the suggested age of 40 and do self exams. I realized the other night that if I had not found this tumor myself, it could have easily spread and I'd have died. I may be a little late to the ballgame, I know. But sometimes things that you know with your brain hit you in your heart a little later. Self exam people! Did I mention that I had an official OBGYN examination just months before I found this tumor that had grown to over 3 centimeters?

By the way, if you want to learn more about the genetic testing I had done, just click on the blue words above and it'll take you there.

Relief!

I have a video for you to watch. I had my head shaved on Saturday. So if you want to watch, there are some ground rules. 

1.  No crying, pitying, or feeling sorry for me.

I guess that's just one basic ground rule. So if you want, go ahead. It was a great moment for me...total relief!

Symbolic

OK, walk with me on this one. I am not one for getting all deep and seeing a lot of  symbolism in life, but this is just too obvious. You see that dumpster in my front yard? It means that my old decrepit floors are being removed and the concrete slab will be ground down to be clean and smooth. You see that little bathroom selfie of me? That marks the day in which my hair has begun to fall out. At least 5 strands every time I pull my hands through it...not a lot yet considering how much hair I have. But how ironic that  after 6 months of floor issues and nonsense, they are all finally coming out at the very same time as my hair. And it's perfect timing. These floors are an exciting distraction for me...I can't wait to show you the end result!

Chemotherapy

SO, everything and everybody had me prepared for chemo. I was curious as to how I would handle it. I am such a newbie to all of this and everyone is so reassuring (even doctors, patients, etc...) that the fear wasn't there. Nerves, yes, but not fear.
So in I went on September 11th, the day of destruction, to kill all of the little cancer cells that may be lurking inside me. As they hooked me up, I became more and more anxious of the whole procedure. For instance, they draw blood out of my chest. Yes, there is a port in my chest and they draw blood from it. THAT is wrong. They have to check my blood every time, so there is that to look forward to. Then, I get a patch for nausea and two other medications intravenously to combat nausea. I'm thinking that I'm going to be set! Then there are a few meds they have to push through and another that goes on a drip. By noon, I'm done. Sounds easy, right? I've also been given two other anti-nausea meds to take home with me, so I've got my bases covered!
Not so...a few hours later, I have acute nausea. So BAD. I have tried everything. I came home from the appt. feeling good, just a little tired. But by that night, I was begging Adam to give me a blessing and resorted to the final anti-nausea pill that causes drowsiness. After the blessing and the final pill, I slept that night. I've pretty much done nothing BUT sleep since Thursday. There is a metal taste in my mouth all the time and an aversion to food, but today the nausea is lifting. So I'm going to expect this every time and be a little more prepared.  I guess I'm the "special one" who nausea enjoys to torment, but at least I may have found the magic sleepy pill that works on me. Here's the awesome news...only 5 more to go! Then I'm done!!!

Before and After

I know that it's been awhile, sorry about that. But I'll catch you all up on stuff. First, here is a quick before and after of my hair. I was supposed to wait until the day before chemo to get it cut, but I couldn't handle thinking about it anymore, so in I went and off it came! It's not my favorite and not even what I actually asked for, but the stylist took 2 hours trying to get it just right. The lady waiting after me was so sweet and patient as well, so here you go! It's fine, and if it was staying then I'd probably go back. I'll enjoy it for a few weeks! 

September 11th

This is my start date for chemotherapy. I get it every 3 weeks. 6 cycles of it with 3 treatments in each cycle, so that makes 18 weeks of chemo. My treatment ends in mid January, with reconstruction 1 month after that. So, if all goes well, I will be ready to teach swimming lessons by summer! That was a big concern of mine.
My first oncology visit was today. I didn't expect it to hit me as hard as it did. The doctor told me that my cancer cells were beasts. The rate of reproduction was crazy fast and aggresive. They got it all, but want to make sure of it...hence chemo. Also, I have a 30% chance of it coming back. If I do chemo, it goes down to a 15% chance. If it comes back, with the type of cancer I have, I will be out of options. I really, really don't want to do chemo, but what choice do I have?
I found it interesting that I knew all of this. However, having it presented to me in black and white, on official medical transcripts was final. And although I knew it, it felt like I was seeing it for the first time.
So what I need to ask of you is this...keep praying for me. Today, things are rough. I'll be alright, but sometimes facing reality knocks you off your game. Today I was faced with big buckets of cold hard reality.

Pride and Peace

Did you know that I have a special talent for making people cry? When friends and acquaintances find out that I have cancer, the tears begin to flow. I know better than to think that this is all for my sake. Just about everyone has witnessed the slow and undignified way that cancer kills and it hurts to remember. I feel that my disease is a reminder to them, and I am so sorry for that. I have already felt my dignity diminish a little, but I also know that pride is not something worth holding on to. Nobody can navigate their lives with complete control. By fighting this disease, I hand over my control to those who know best...and in the process I have lost a lot of pride. You know what? It feels good. I cannot control anything but my own choices, and right now I choose to leave my life in the hands of my doctors and ultimately, God. God is the ultimate scientist...a true healer.

I have heard this a lot lately..."Lauren, I am amazed at your strength."  I am not sure that I am worthy of that statement. Let me illustrate...during the summer months, I spend my days in the water teaching little ones the basics in swimming and life-saving skills. These tiny children often tell me that they are scared and that if I let go of them, they will drown and die. Still, they trust me and allow me to teach them. They are the bravest people I know. And this is WHY I don't consider myself brave...I don't have fear of this disease. I know what can happen. I know that it can spread to my blood, my brain, my lungs, etc...I know that I have a higher chance of recurrence than other forms of breast cancer. I have already lost a lot and will lose more...but I am not afraid. What I DO have is this: Peace.

I am relieved to have turned control over to God. He will help the Doctors perform what they have trained endlessly to do. He is in control of whether I live or die. All I can do is my best at living and turn the rest over to him. And just to be clear...I am doing my best at living. I know who I am, why I am here and where I am going. I know God's plan. I don't feel punished and I don't feel like this is unfair. Why shouldn't I have problems like others have? Why should I feel exempt? What I do know is that I am learning things I couldn't possibly learn without going through this. I'll be stronger for it and my family will be closer because of it. I have absolute peace in knowing this. And it feels good.
Here is a little video that shows how anyone can come to know this for themselves.


Waking up everyday and watching the news is difficult. Listening to what is in store for me for the next couple of years is difficult. It is a hard world that we live in, but as I said at the top of this page, if we take away pride (or in my case, I kind of lost it regardless of wanting to or not) it makes it a bit more tolerable. We are teachable...kinder...more thoughtful. We can be at peace. This is illustrated in the video below.

Now, a quick update about today...the staples were taken out and I'm left with some frankensteinish stitches. I enjoyed showing a few of them to Molly, who immediately collapsed onto the floor in all her 13 year old drama saying, "MOM! Yuck...stop it!" Haha, I kind of enjoyed that! The drain was taken out as well which was such a strange feeling. The first thing I did when I came home was to lay on my right side in comfort. Still, I felt bad this afternoon and let my mom take over. I am tired of being stitched together. I am tired of being lopsided. I am tired of feeling my stomach get queasy with the thought of getting my stitches out next week and the idea of a needle going into my port every single time I have treatment. All of that is bad and dreaded. I want a good night's sleep that I haven't had in over a week. See? I have all of the normal cancer anxieties, but what I'm grateful for is through all the minutia of cancer, I am ultimately left with Peace.

p.s. It looks like you'll need Adobe Flash Player on your device in order to watch the video...you may want to watch on your computer.

Good News, Right?

Yesterday was a BIG day. Aside from it being the first day of school, soccer practice, and seminary, it was my first in-office post-operation appointment. Otherwise known as....pathology reports are in!
As Adam, my mom and I waited in the examining room, my surgeon walked and after greeting us, proceeds to read us the BEST NEWS EVER as if he's reading the morning paper. Surgeons...this guy is awesome, but he really keeps all emotion out of his bedside manner. Here's the gist of it.

Essentially, the cancer hasn't spread. At ALL. Every node taken tested negative for cancer cells. Also, all margins from my tumor and margins from my satellite masses tested negative for cancer cells! (the margin is the extra tissue surrounding the tumor that is cut in order to make sure they got it all.)

Of the actual main tumor that is 3.6 cm, only 1.2 cm was discovered to be invasive cancer...otherwise known as:

• Invasive ductal carcinoma (IDC): Cancerous cells grow in the duct lining, break through the wall of the duct and invade local breast tissue. From there, the cancer may spread (metastasize) to other parts of the body.

All other cancer in the main tumor and surrounding areas was known as:

• Ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS): Cancerous cells are confined within the lining of the milk ducts, and haven't spread through the duct walls into surrounding breast tissue. If DCIS lesions are left untreated, over time cancer cells may break through the duct and spread to nearby tissue, becoming an invasive breast cancer.

This is exactly what we have been praying and hoping and relying on! This was everything!!! All of every good thing that you have been sending my way and up to Heavenly Father was granted to me and to us! I can't express my thanks enough. Nothing I can do will ever be enough to thank all of you who have helped me through this! I know it's not over, but this is huge to me. As the Dr. read the results all matter-of-factly, we looked at each other with that dropped jaw look...like "is he really saying this?" Yes. He said it and I know that inwardly he did somersaults for us. How could he not? I tell myself that Dr.'s have to emotionally remove themselves from these types of situations in order to cope. I don't know how they do this every day without just looking at everything from a technical standpoint. I don't even care...that man is getting some freshly baked cookies.

A few things you'll probably want to know...especially the ladies. He had to take all of everything from the right side right down to the chest wall. I literally have nothing but skin and as he changed the bandages, I finally saw what I have been avoiding. That was a reality check for sure and made me a little sad. But, I've looked at a lot of pictures and I have to say that his work is the best I've seen. Are you completely grossed out now? Also, I'm still swelling a little so the lovely little drain I am wearing gets to stay with me for a few more days. On Thursday the stitches come out and next week staples come out. But every day is a little less painful and I am pushing through the sore muscles and numbness to get mobility and feeling back. It's working.

On Monday I meet with my oncologist...it looks like I'll still be going through chemotherapy due to the nature of the cancer, but I'll know more after that appointment. I'll totally be on board with what she wants me to do. I just want the cancer annihilated!

Finally, can I just say that I have the BEST friends and family! All of you are the reason why this is going so well and God is hearing you and me. He knows you and loves you. And if you don't know that, just take my word for it until you do. His WILL will be done, and right now he wants me to live! 

A few things learned

It's Saturday morning at 6:15. I know that Adam has filled you in on all of the latest news, and fortunately, I have nothing more to add to that. Everything is going smoothly! However, I have family and friends that want to know "How are you REALLY doing?", so this is for them.

I am fine. Really, considering what I just put myself through, I'm coming through like a champ. I say this only because I am blessed to have my amazing mom here helping at every turn and I have a very concerned husband who is constantly concerned about my welfare. I have been able to rest.

I am learning a lot about myself. For instance...yesterday while changing a dressing, I almost passed out. When I say almost, I mean that I was seconds away from being flat out on the bathroom floor. I learned that I will never go into the medical field...not like I wanted to, but this confirms it.

I learned that I can cry. I know that there have been many who wonder if I'm in denial about this whole thing. For instance: I don't cry when talking about it. I am too positive. I accepted this too readily. Well, maybe all of those things are true, but I know that I have been comforted by the Holy Spirit and also, I have complete faith that I'll be OK. I know it. Now, for all of you who wonder if I fall apart when I'm home by myself in a quiet place...the answer is no. I am really OK. But to satisfy all of you, you should know that when I came out of anesthesia, I completely lost it. Adam called it being "emotional" for my sake, but I'll admit that I scared the nurses and they had to bring Adam back to calm me down. I didn't know I could cry like that...but I didn't stop until they pumped me full of something that took the pain away. I felt so sad and I hurt pretty badly. I wasn't angry or anything...I just remember feeling so sad. So maybe I am the type of person who can't fall apart and cry unless my defenses are stripped away. Today, I would be completely unable to cry like that. I don't know how to.

 I am loved. I have learned through this how far reaching love can go. It has no borders or bindings. I have been told of people across the world who are praying for me. My mother's ward council prayed for me. My friend is having a special Mass for me. There are bible groups praying for me. There are huge groups of people who have fasted for me. My name has been on the temple prayer roll in many temples...I don't even know how many, but I know that it's a lot! I have others are may not believe in God but who continually send positive messages and thoughts my way and let me know how concerned they are for me and that I am loved and important to them. I can't tell you how touched I am and how humbling this is! From dinners to yoga pants and zip-up jackets to candy and flowers and sweet cards. From hospital "survival kits" and pedicures to child care and endless rides to and from practice and school events. From concerned friends and teachers to loving and supportive church leaders, I think I'm going to be just fine.

I can adapt. I look down at myself and see a new landscape. It's weird...I told my daughters that I'll need to go through puberty again to get it back. Ha! Now, I know that this is huge... to have a body part amputated and give it a special name like "mastectomy" almost makes it sounds routine and normal. There isn't anything normal about this. However, I don't need a breast to breathe, digest, think, etc... And in fact, next year when I get another one, I'll be back to wearing a bra without stuffing. I see it this way...I have given birth and breastfed 4 times and had no plans for more children. I used them for their intended purposes and would take this 10 times out of 10 in comparison to lung or brain cancer. I think this might be the only cancer that I can recover from and look better afterwards for it! I hope that made sense...No I don't want cancer, but how many cancer patients can go to a plastic surgeon and ask for a new brain...lung...blood...?

I can accept. I am one of the last people you'll meet who would willingly take a handout or a favor. It isn't in my nature...receiving service and allowing others to do for me is something that I am still learning. I'm not sure I'll ever really learn it. But, I need it. This has been one of the hardest parts of healing...relying on others. I can accept new problems and deal with them. As long as there is a plan. But accepting help and service has never been my job...it's something for sure that I need to accept a little bit better because I've learned that I'm not enough for this family right now. I need the help.

I have faith in Christ.  I know that in the end, I will be made whole because of our Savior.  I may have to go through difficult and painful experiences in this life, but I can become even stronger if I face these trials while leaning upon Him.  Each of us will have trials unique to us.  How we each deal with those trials will determine whether we crumble, become numb or thrive. Mountains to Climb
I love this video made from clips of a talk by one of my Church leaders.  Come What May, and Love It.  Here is another wonderful, amazing talk about adversity and trials by one of my Church leaders (his wife passed away a year before this talk, and he passed away 2 months after the talk). I loved listening to it again and I draw strength from it. Enjoy!

A Time To Heal

It is now 7:30 pm and Lauren is finally comfortable in her regular room.  She was in the post surgery recovery room since 1:30 pm.  Lauren checked in at 6:00 am this morning, so this has been a very long day for her.  After the sentinel lymph node mapping tests were completed this morning, she was ready for surgery.  The mastectomy, chemo port insertion and node biopsy procedures all went very well according to the surgeon.  The surgeon removed 5 nodes due to their suspicious nature.  Preliminary tests on the nodes during surgery appear good.  We will know the actual results in 48 hours or so.  However, it appears that the cancer has not spread beyond the main tumor, it's 4 satellites within the breast, and the first couple lymph nodes.  This would be the best news we have heard in the whirlwind of the last 4 weeks.  She was very emotional and in a lot of pain following waking up from anesthesia. Large doses of phentinal helped her tremendously!!! All in all, she is comfortable now, ready to eat finally and feeling very blessed and grateful for all the love, prayers, etc.

Small Victories

I haven't mentioned this before because I was pretty scared, but I was convinced that the cancer was in my lungs because of shortness of breath, tightness in my chest with a little pain at times, and a shooting pain in my upper back. Plus, I've had a bit of a cold/cough for about two months. I insisted on another test before surgery, although my doctor wasn't as concerned.
This morning I went in for chest x-rays and everything came back free and clear. FREE AND CLEAR!!! When I write something in all caps, it's fo realz. I guess I am experiencing anxiety of some sorts...wonder why? lol!
Adam has suggested on many occasions to get back to yoga. He's so right! Breathing, being calm and staying in one place while clearing my mind is definitely what I need.
Also, I am so thankful for a wonderful nurse who felt my need for assurance and peace of mind to expedite this x-ray. I had it taken at 9 am and she called with results by 11:00. I love her so much!
Yay for small victories!!!