A few things learned

It's Saturday morning at 6:15. I know that Adam has filled you in on all of the latest news, and fortunately, I have nothing more to add to that. Everything is going smoothly! However, I have family and friends that want to know "How are you REALLY doing?", so this is for them.

I am fine. Really, considering what I just put myself through, I'm coming through like a champ. I say this only because I am blessed to have my amazing mom here helping at every turn and I have a very concerned husband who is constantly concerned about my welfare. I have been able to rest.

I am learning a lot about myself. For instance...yesterday while changing a dressing, I almost passed out. When I say almost, I mean that I was seconds away from being flat out on the bathroom floor. I learned that I will never go into the medical field...not like I wanted to, but this confirms it.

I learned that I can cry. I know that there have been many who wonder if I'm in denial about this whole thing. For instance: I don't cry when talking about it. I am too positive. I accepted this too readily. Well, maybe all of those things are true, but I know that I have been comforted by the Holy Spirit and also, I have complete faith that I'll be OK. I know it. Now, for all of you who wonder if I fall apart when I'm home by myself in a quiet place...the answer is no. I am really OK. But to satisfy all of you, you should know that when I came out of anesthesia, I completely lost it. Adam called it being "emotional" for my sake, but I'll admit that I scared the nurses and they had to bring Adam back to calm me down. I didn't know I could cry like that...but I didn't stop until they pumped me full of something that took the pain away. I felt so sad and I hurt pretty badly. I wasn't angry or anything...I just remember feeling so sad. So maybe I am the type of person who can't fall apart and cry unless my defenses are stripped away. Today, I would be completely unable to cry like that. I don't know how to.

 I am loved. I have learned through this how far reaching love can go. It has no borders or bindings. I have been told of people across the world who are praying for me. My mother's ward council prayed for me. My friend is having a special Mass for me. There are bible groups praying for me. There are huge groups of people who have fasted for me. My name has been on the temple prayer roll in many temples...I don't even know how many, but I know that it's a lot! I have others are may not believe in God but who continually send positive messages and thoughts my way and let me know how concerned they are for me and that I am loved and important to them. I can't tell you how touched I am and how humbling this is! From dinners to yoga pants and zip-up jackets to candy and flowers and sweet cards. From hospital "survival kits" and pedicures to child care and endless rides to and from practice and school events. From concerned friends and teachers to loving and supportive church leaders, I think I'm going to be just fine.

I can adapt. I look down at myself and see a new landscape. It's weird...I told my daughters that I'll need to go through puberty again to get it back. Ha! Now, I know that this is huge... to have a body part amputated and give it a special name like "mastectomy" almost makes it sounds routine and normal. There isn't anything normal about this. However, I don't need a breast to breathe, digest, think, etc... And in fact, next year when I get another one, I'll be back to wearing a bra without stuffing. I see it this way...I have given birth and breastfed 4 times and had no plans for more children. I used them for their intended purposes and would take this 10 times out of 10 in comparison to lung or brain cancer. I think this might be the only cancer that I can recover from and look better afterwards for it! I hope that made sense...No I don't want cancer, but how many cancer patients can go to a plastic surgeon and ask for a new brain...lung...blood...?

I can accept. I am one of the last people you'll meet who would willingly take a handout or a favor. It isn't in my nature...receiving service and allowing others to do for me is something that I am still learning. I'm not sure I'll ever really learn it. But, I need it. This has been one of the hardest parts of healing...relying on others. I can accept new problems and deal with them. As long as there is a plan. But accepting help and service has never been my job...it's something for sure that I need to accept a little bit better because I've learned that I'm not enough for this family right now. I need the help.

I have faith in Christ.  I know that in the end, I will be made whole because of our Savior.  I may have to go through difficult and painful experiences in this life, but I can become even stronger if I face these trials while leaning upon Him.  Each of us will have trials unique to us.  How we each deal with those trials will determine whether we crumble, become numb or thrive. Mountains to Climb
I love this video made from clips of a talk by one of my Church leaders.  Come What May, and Love It.  Here is another wonderful, amazing talk about adversity and trials by one of my Church leaders (his wife passed away a year before this talk, and he passed away 2 months after the talk). I loved listening to it again and I draw strength from it. Enjoy!